A LINE ON LIFE
10/22/95
Blaming Others or Yourself *
David
A. Gershaw, Ph.D.
In a recent letter from a reader, I was
asked to write an article about something she had read:
"There are two types of people one that
blames someone else for everything that ever happened to them, good or bad; one
blames themselves for everything! If the self-blamers get sick, it must be
something they did or didn't do. If they were disliked, it was their fault.
They take the blame for everything!"
First, these are not "two types of people." They are ways
of responding to frustration. When people cannot reach desired goals, they get
frustrated. In trying to find the reason for their frustration, some people are
more likely to focus blame on others, and some tend to focus blame on
themselves. However, there are more than two options in assigning blame.
As early as the 1930s, psychologist
Saul Rosensweig theorized three options in perceiving blame when frustrated.
The first two have been mentioned. Again, these are reactions – not types of individuals.
Some
responses are extrapunitive
– they cast the blame on others. Since others are seen at
fault, anger and indignation are expressed toward them. For example, if another
person failed to return a friendly greeting, an extrapunitive response would be
to label that person as ill-bred or snobbish, regardless of the objective
evidence.
In contrast, an intropunitive response directs the
blame inward. The individual feels guilty and humiliated. If a friendly
greeting is not returned, intropunitive greeters wonder what they have –
or have not – done. Possibly a blunder has caused their greeting to be
ignored. What did they say or do wrong? They may assume themselves to be inferior
and not worth the notice. Again, this response trend can be used –
regardless of the objective evidence.
However, in contrast to the letter I
received, Rosensweig suggests a third type of response – impunitive.
With this response both parties are freed from blame. The incident is glossed
over, so neither party is seen as responsible. With the unreturned greeting,
possibly there was too much activity going on, so the greeting was not noticed.
The greeted party might be preoccupied with a serious problem. Lost deep in thought,
the surroundings may not be noticed, let alone the greeting. Again, this
response is regardless of the objective evidence.
Notice the repeated phrase, "regardless of the objective evidence."
With these response methods, blame is not an objective evaluation of the
situation. Blame will be placed according to the personal needs and desires of
the frustrated party.
All three of these are responses
to frustration – not types of
people. Although people can learn to rely on one (or more) of these responses,
they do not always respond to frustration in the same way. (However, if we
predict their response style, we are more likely to notice our accurate
predictions – and ignore those that are wrong.)
Of the responses, both extrapunitive
and intropunitive responses are aggressive. Extrapunitive responses direct the
aggression toward others, while the intropunitive responses direct aggression
inward. Since an impunitive reaction views the situation as a cause, there is
no aggression toward either party. Since many situations can be changed, more
energy can be directed toward that goal – rather than blaming people.
Rather than
blaming others or yourself,
it is more constructive to remedy the situation.
If the response is extrapunitive or
intropunitive, it has a special relation to memory. Both responses are
remembered longer than impunitive responses. With extrapunitive responses, the
incident is more likely to be remembered to "carry a grudge," so revenge can be planned. With intropunitive
responses, memory serves to nurse injured pride or "eat one's heart out." Memory serves to maintain the aggression
toward others – or toward one's self.
In contrast, people who respond
impunitively tend to forget the incident. The frustration is not
interpreted as a "personal insult."
Their attitude is that "sometimes
unpleasant things happen" or that it is better to "forgive and forget." The other two
responses – extrapunitive and intropunitive – involve neither
forgiving nor forgetting.
All of us would like to think that we
objectively evaluate the frustrations in our lives. However, since we often
don't, which response to frustration would you like to cultivate?
* Adapted from Saul Rosensweig's
"Types of Reaction to Frustration, " in a book edited by Melvin H.
Marx, Psychological Theory: Contemporary
Readings, MacMillan Company, New York, 1951, pages 477-479.